My nine year old is sitting on the couch frustrated and near tears. Why? Because he doesn’t understand his math. He’s good at math. Not a genius but he understands the concepts and can figure out most problems without too much trauma. Why doesn’t he understand it today? Because it’s been 3 days since he’s seen his math book. Don’t misunderstand me here. We haven’t been goofing off for 3 days. We’ve been doing some pretty intensive school. Just not math. That’s partly his fault. He knew that he had to do his problem set (yes, we use Saxon) before this morning. It’s partly my fault. I didn’t protect his spare time and ensure that he had sufficient time to get his work finished. In other words, we were busy. So, today, he sits on the couch, fretting about not remembering this or that.
Why am I telling you this? Because this is one way that we set our children up for failure. The message he is getting loud and clear this morning is that he is a failure. He can’t understand math. I know very well he can understand it and he can do it. If we had diligently worked a little each day, he would be having no trouble with his math this morning.
I see this in a lot of other areas of raising children. I see it amongst my orchestra students. I have seen it on the baseball field and in Cub Scouts. I see it in my Bible class. Children are encouraged to participate in an activity or learn a new skill while at the same time being set up for failure by their parents.
No one can learn to play an instrument if they don’t attend their classes/lessons and if they don’t practice. They can’t attend their classes/lessons if their parents don’t make it a priority to get them there. They can’t practice if their instrument is missing a string or is out of tune or they don’t have the music. Children don’t realize what the problem is, they just know that when they go to their orchestra class, all the other kids can play the song but they can’t. It must mean that they are no good at playing a violin.
The same thing goes for baseball or Cub Scouts or whatever activity the child participates in. Without the proper tools they can not improve. Without attending the practices, classes, meetings, etc, they will fall behind. They rationalize that they are no good at this activity instead of realizing that it is because they have not been given the opportunity and tools they need to succeed.
This goes for Bible class (and any Bible study) as well. If students aren’t encouraged to read their Bibles, to participate in family Bible readings, to discuss the Bible and God’s will at home, they will not be prepared for discussion in a more formal setting such as a Bible class. They will see their peers participating in the discussion, and not knowing the Bible story being discussed, they feel like a failure. They feel that this Bible must not be something for them.
What’s a parent to do? It’s not easy but we have to see to it that they have what it takes to succeed. I’m not talking about buying the most expensive baseball bat or violin. I’m talking about providing proper tools. Making sure they attend all the classes/practices/rehearsals that the activity requires. Making sure that they practice and study at home. Sometimes, this requires sacrifice on our part. It may mean that we have to rearrange our schedule or that we’ll have to postpone buying something we want.
As I’ve been writing this, my nine year old has cheered up a little. He got past those dreaded first few problems of the lesson (those of you who do Saxon know how difficult the first 4 or 5 problems can be) and is working smoothly on the rest. What have I learned? We need to be more consistent. He’s good at math. If he has too many more days like this, he’ll think that math is not for him. I don’t want to set him up for failure.
Setting Our Kids Up For Failure | walkerhomeschoolblog
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Good thoughts, Diana. You always say things clearly that really hit home with me. I will do better to help my kiddos be more prepared.
You shared some very good insight. As parents we can provide our children the tools they need to succeed in various areas. I am especially concerned in having my children excel in Bible knowledge—so I must make sure that I make Bible study and discussion a top priority in our lives. We all have choices to make when life gets busy. I pray that I make choices that glorify the Lord and that will have lasting eternal value.
I am always encouraged by your writing. :)
Diana, this is excellent. Thank you for saying it.
Thanks Diana. I could see this in my kids too, which is why since I’ve been so sick this month we’ve spent a lot of time reviewing before we can even consider moving on to the next lesson. That means we’re a bit behind in math and science, but that seventh-week break will become make-up week in those areas. It’s mentors like you, and my own mistakes, that showed me that I must make school and piano as much a priority as any other routine activity. So now we’re all thriving within the paths of routine.
The same thing happens as far up as grad school. If we don’t work on one class for a few days — even if I’m working on other, RELATED classes — we lose time having to review. Some of us have started sort of a pact to do one problem every day for every class no matter what.
Diana, Jim was an assistant Boy Scout leader in the late 80’s. This was his main sense of heartache. It wasn’t that the kids didn’t want to participate, they were very excited. The disappointment came when they looked so forward to a trip or meeting and found out they couldn’t attend. These were older kids, imagine how the younger ones must feel. Broke his heart.