Helping Another Healed Myself

I just saw a report on the news about an organization that provides services and support for NICU babies and their families. As I listened to the very special way this organization helps these families, I was flooded with memories of our time spent in the NICU. Without warning and with no preparation for such an event, we were among the families who did not get to take their baby home from the NICU.

This organization, NICU Helping Hands, does a very special thing for the babies who never get to go home. They take wedding dresses that have been donated and make gowns for these tiny babies — angel gowns. What a blessing to the families. What a wonderful way to share a wedding dress.

Like I said, listening to this report brought back lots of memories of our sweet little baby boy who did not get to come home. David was born full-term in 1985 in Tupelo, MS. He was born with a congenital heart defect and lived only 6 days. We weren’t in the NICU for long but it was a week filled with so much joy which turned to fear and worry then ended in such sadness. It changed who we were forever.

David was over 8 pounds at birth so the little outfit we had planned to take him home from the hospital in was the outfit he was buried in along with a little receiving blanket edged in white lace that Danny’s mom had made. I felt so blessed to have had something special, something made just for him, that we could wrap him in for his final resting place.

As the months and even years went by, there was a constant emptiness in my heart. I would have recurring dreams about it. They weren’t horrifying dreams. They were matter of fact dreams. I dreamed these dreams because I had never had the privilege of dressing David. I wished I had asked the funeral home if I could help dress him but I was too afraid that I would not be able to handle it. My dreams involved going to the cemetery and dressing and redressing my little baby. It might seem odd to you but it seemed perfectly natural to me.

A year later, we had our second baby boy, Matthew. Life got busy and the dreams stopped but I still had that emptiness in my heart. I didn’t even realize just how that emptiness had affected me until about 8 years later another little baby was born who, although he was allowed to go home, lived a very short time.

This little boy was very small — less than 3 pounds if I remember correctly. I was a casual acquaintance with the family. I knew them through home schooling. I felt such a connection with the mom and a drive to do something for her baby. I remembered how special it was that our David was buried in something that had been made especially for him. I decided to make this tiny baby boy a burial outfit.

I made him a tiny, preemie-sized gown with smocked sailboats on it. It was tiny. I took it with me to the hospital when I visited. I hesitantly told the mom and dad that if they would like to bury him in it, I would be honored. The mom’s face lit up. She was so thankful. She, too, wanted him to buried in something special. She said they had decided they would bury him in the family christening gown but really didn’t want to part with it because their other children (I think there were 4 or 5) had all been christened in it but they had nothing else special enough for this baby.

I went to the funeral and saw him in that outfit I made. He was so tiny that even the preemie pattern I used was too large but whoever dressed him had tucked it here and there and it looked like it was absolutely perfect for him.

Something amazing happened that day. The emptiness was gone. I never had another dream or another thought about my desire to dress David. Doing something special for this family in their time of need was healing for me as well.

Back to NICU Helping Hands and their angel gowns. If anyone would like to donate a wedding dress, I’m sure they would appreciate it. Just knowing that something that meant so much to you could mean so much to as many as 12 families of babies who don’t get to go home would be a wonderful feeling.