As my children began to leave our little nest, I wondered what it was like for my mother as we left her nest. She had 4 children, very close in age, who all began leaving home about the same time. At the time, I didn’t think much about it. I was of age, it was time to attend college and eventually, very soon in fact, time to marry. I did what seemed to come naturally to me. Mom, on the other hand, was doing what seemed natural to her — hanging on to her brood — without much success. We were all itching to get out into the big world and start our lives. Things moved fast back then: college, marriage, babies, adventures far from home. It was all I could do to keep up with my own life without worrying to much about how Mom was handling hers.
Fast forward about 20 years or so. My little brood started testing their wings. They began to leave home, not quite as quickly as my siblings and myself because my little ones were spaced out more than we had been. I wondered why it seemed so hard to let go. I knew it was time. I remembered what it was like to be that age. I was excited for what lay ahead for them. I still found it heartbreaking as they began to leave home. I began to think about Mom and how she handled us all leaving. So I did the only natural thing. I called her up and asked her.
I asked her how she felt when we left home. I was surprised with her answer. She said that she didn’t think any of us would be able to make it on our own. That stung a little. I thought she thought we were wonderful. She always told us so. In fact, she repeatedly told us that we could do anything we wanted. She told me that when I was 8, and again when I was 12, and when I was 16. I believed her. I thought she believed it herself. Thankfully, she never planted that seed of doubt in my mind. Where would I be now if my own mom had told me that she didn’t think I could handle being an adult.
As I thought more about it, I began to feel sorry for her. What made her think that all the work she had done raising us was ineffective? That must have been a very depressing thing to think. That the past 20 or so years spent raising children was not successful.
I came to the conclusion that it must be because of a poor self image. I hate to even say those words because they get used way too often but it fits here. When someone can’t or won’t see success in a job well done it can only be because they don’t think they were really capable of completing that job.
As I come into contact with other parents whose children have left the nest or are testing their wings ready to fly, I can’t help but notice the same thing. The confident parents who know what they want in life, who know what they want for their children, who are confident enough in themselves and their children to have accomplished this task are the same parents who let their children fly, let them make mistakes, let them live their lives and enjoy being cheerleaders from the side.
On the other hand, there are those parents who keep hanging on. Who want to keep their grown children close at hand — not so much physically as mentally. They want to be a part of every decision made. They don’t instill confidence in their grown child. Confidence that he or she can face whatever comes their way with wisdom and strength and courage. These grown children doubt themselves. If Mom doesn’t think I can do this, I must not be able to do it. The cycle continues as this lack of confidence gets passed to the next ones in the nest.
I think I can be honest when I say that I have never once doubted that my grown children could make it on their own. I cheer from the sidelines and know that when they make a mistake, they will have the confidence to dust themselves off and try again. I know that their dad and I have done the best we can to teach them what is important in life. We have taught them to follow God, to love their fellow man, to be leaders in their homes. Some of them have begun this journey while a few are still growing in the nest. What a joy it is to be able to say with confidence that I know they will be just fine.
As for my own mom? I know she loved us and was proud of us. I wish she had had the confidence in herself to say when we left home that she knew we would make it. I think she would have enjoyed our years as adults much more instead of being worried that we would not be able to make it. I think she would have enjoyed cheering from the sidelines instead of second guessing our choices and fretting over mistakes we made.
What about those of us who still have chicks in the nest? It takes a lot of hard, consistent work to get them ready for their solo flight. Stay with it. Do the best you can and always refer to the handbook of child rearing found in God’s word. When they are ready to leave home we will be able to let them fly, cheer from sidelines and enjoy their journey from a comfortable armchair as we watch them blossom into confident young men and women.
I was your Mom. I tried very hard to build confidence in my children but failed to do so for myself. I guess I always doubted I did a good job and if they failed it was my fault. Thank you for this.
Beautifully written. I am storing this piece of wisdom, and putting in practice the part you spoke for those with little ones, who, are growing so fast! LOL.
I like that more than empty nesters, cheerers from the side!
As always, so well said. And, as quire often happens, it brought a tear to my eye. I wish you had been my age and had been my next door neighbor when my girl was being reared. It’s not that I don’t think she can make it, it’s just that I see we have passed on our tendency to fret and worry. I hope all young mothers take to heart the importance of installing in themselves as well as their children the confidence and peace that comes from being God’s child. I pray for a deeper faith.