I’ve looked at life from both sides now. — Joni Mitchell
I have come to a point where I can say I have seen life from both sides and, unlike Joni who did not know much more about life after seeing both sides, I think I have learned a few things. Things I wish I had known early on but can only be learned with the relationships, ups/downs, and experiences that come to each of us in our lives.
This introduction could be followed by all kinds of life topics, but I am thinking about being a mother. I have seen motherhood from both sides, and I would like to share some thoughts.
Being a mother is the most rewarding yet difficult relationship I have ever had. From the time I was a child I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I played with baby dolls way past the age most of my friends were playing with their dolls. I baby sat every opportunity I had. My mom owned a daycare center that was just like heaven to me. In fact, it was called Angel Haven. Mom loved those babies like they were her own and taught me to do the same. While there are many aspects of motherhood I could talk about, I want to talk about one that is important to me because of the stage I am in. I have 6 boys. Three are on their own with families of their own, one will be following their example in a few months and two are still at home with us.
This is a heart swelling, heart breaking time of life. Heart swelling because my heart cannot help but bust with pride as I see my babies develop into young men. Those same babies who kept me up at night with their cries for help and comfort now are making their way in the world. Choosing to look to God for their guidance. Providing for their families in careers they have chosen using skills they have developed. Heart breaking because my heart cannot help but break as I see my babies no longer need me in the same way they did. For the same reasons my heart swells, my heart breaks but it is the way of life. It is God’s plan. Children come; children go.
Along with this stage of life comes wonderful new relationships. Each time one of my boys marries, I get a daughter. What a blessing — a wonderful, scary blessing. I prayed for girls. Everyone thought I should “keep trying for a girl”. My mother warned me that if I did not have a girl there would be no one to take care of me in my old age. I now have three girls and, in a few months, will have four. My prayers are continually being answered. These girls have truly been a wonderful blessing, but I used another adjective earlier. Scary. Yes, adding girls into our family has been a little scary for this mom of boys. Each time a girl has chosen to become a Dow I have been a little anxious on just how we would get along. Thankfully, my boys have chosen wonderful girls who love my boys but most of all love God. With those two things firmly in place, the rest is so much easier. While building a new relationship can be challenging knowing the new girl in my life loves my son makes me instantly love her and want the best for them both.
Why do I bring up the negative part of being a mother-in-law? Because of the negative rhetoric I hear from the media and the negative comments I read on social media. Now that I have been a mother and a mother-in-law, I just want to say something to all the daughters-in-law out there. Your mother-in-law loves you! She wants the best for you! While you may think she is judging you, she is not. She has been where you are. She was once the new girl in the family. She had and may still have a mother-in-law. She remembers what it was like to find her place in her new family.
I had a good mother-in-law, yet it was still a challenge to learn where I fit in. We lived with my in-laws for a few weeks early in our marriage. It was difficult. I wanted my own place. I felt insecure at times. I felt like I was being judged at times. I felt like I did not meet up to her expectations at times. You know what? None of that was my mother-in-law’s fault. It was all because of those two words I just used over and over — I felt. My mother-in-law was just doing what she knew to be the best for us at the moment. How did she know? She had lived with her in-laws early in their marriage. She knew what it was like.
Are you getting the picture here? Each mother-in-law had to be the new daughter-in-law at one time. While it may seem like years ago to you, to her it was just like yesterday.
I would like to offer a few tips I have learned after being on both sides of this relationship. Tips that will help you and your mother-in-law become closer and even become friends.
- Talk to her. Mother-in-laws do not read minds. From day one, talk to her. If you do not tell her what you are thinking, she is not going to know. If you have married into a Christian family, you have gained a mother-in-law who is also your sister. What a blessing! Talk to her about your everyday activities. Talk to her about your dreams. Talk to her about your problems (marriage problems are off-limits). If there is something going on that you do not want her to know about, that is fine, but do not expect her to respond to you as if she knew what was going on. Are you anxious about something? If she does not know it, she may say something that will sound negative. Like I said earlier, she is not a mind reader.
- Listen to her. Mother-in-laws have years of experience in many different things. Let her talk. Learn from her what she is able to offer you. If you let her, she will talk about your husband when he was a child. You will see your own children in a different light when you hear the antics of your husband as a small child. If she is a Christian, you can learn from her so many things about being a godly wife and mother.
- Include her. Mother-in-laws have feelings too. They want to be loved. They want to be involved in their children’s lives. Include them in birthdays and holidays. It can be challenging to bring together two families’ traditions. It can be easier to just go with what you know and are comfortable with but…include your mother-in-law.
- Do not whisper to your husband. I learned this one the hard way. While visiting his dad, his mother had already passed on, Danny and I were talking about our plans for the day. We were not really whispering but we were not talking loud enough for his dad to hear anything but whispers. He took our quiet talking as an insult. He got quite angry. I was stunned but I learned a lesson. If you have something to say, speak up so all can hear. On the flip side of that, do not assume others are talking about you if you hear them whispering. They are probably just talking about who is going to go to the grocery store or something else mundane enough they did not figure anyone else wanted to hear it.
- Do not eavesdrop. If you overhear a conversation, stop listening. Leave the room. It is none of your business what others are saying. If you must enter the room, let your presence be known so they can include you in the conversation if appropriate. If you overhear a conversation that may be about you or someone you know, it is your own fault. You cannot hold your rude eavesdropping against them.
So far, these tips have been about one thing and are good for building any relationship but sometimes get forgotten when it comes to a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. It all boils down to communication. How we communicate, whether in conversation or in facial expression or in body language, is so important.
The following tips are just general manners. Both sides of this relationship need to use them. It is all part of being a grown-up. Grown up adults do these things:
- Offer to help. Your offer may be turned down but at least offer.
- Clean up after yourself. When in someone else’s home make sure to clean up after yourself. This is true even if it was the home you grew up in. Your mother or mother-in-law does not want to have to tell you to pick up your dirty clothes. If you find them doing that it is not because they are being too picky. It is because you are acting like a child. Follow the Girl Scout motto I learned in my youth — Leave things better than you found them.
- Go on an outing. This one is not mandatory and may depend on your own circumstances, but I learned it from my parents. There were four of us kids. Both sets of my grandparents lived in small homes. When our family of six showed up their homes were suddenly full of activity and noise. Mom and Dad always took us somewhere during our visit. It might just be to the “five and dime” as it was called then…we might say Wal-Mart now, but it gave the grandparents an opportunity to regroup a little and have some breathing room. Like I said, this is not a must but depending on the circumstances, if things are getting a little stressed, an outing will lighten the mood for everyone.
In conclusion, before thinking this new relationship is just too difficult or that your in-laws are out to get you or that they hate you, remember that they have been there. They love you. They want the best for you because you love their son and are the mother of their grandchildren. Make it your mission to turn this new relationship into what it was meant to be — a loving family.
Diana Dow
